We aren't obsessed with sweets, cos that might be a little weird, but we do LOVE our sweets nevertheless. I'd like to say that we are indeed sweet connoisseurs. We sell sweets, treats and puppy dogs tails.
Just so you know who’s packing your order, or who to expect when you pop into our warehouse for click & collect, we'll show you who clocks into work in the morning…
She’s the female equivalent of Dash from The Incredibles...similar dimensions and similar speed around the warehouse, however the tracking device on her leg which remains from her escape from Alcatraz is useful so we can easily locate her whereabouts at anytime. We actually found her in a nearby river looking quite malnourished, but noticing that she was tucking into the pondweed, and ignoring the selection of half-eaten kebabs and burgers floating past her, so we assumed she must be vegetarian at least. This was great news as we needed a resident vegan to enrich our warehouse and make sure all walks of life had their necessary treats available to buy online. Now she is the chief buyer of sweets ‘n chocolates, she’s even picked up speaking American (wow!) really well, so we can import loads of American sweets too :-)
She’s one of the younger one’s (aah sweet), but she’s ageing at an incredible rate of 1 year every year.She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, and of course, loves Shrek (who doesn’t, right!) Her marketing efforts in the company have now meant that we officially sell Ice Breaker Mints to Eskimo’s in the Antarctic. A family of polar bear’s in the North Pole have since requested our brochure after hearing the news. In fact she’s so great that Nestle commissioned her to come up with all the jokes on the wrappers of all the Laffy Taffy’s in the whole world, and every wrapper is unique. One commendable thing about her is her desire to save the human population from UV sun ray exposure. She gets to the warehouse super early in the morning, and as soon as anyone walks through the door, pounces on them smothering them in a thick layer of lotion, slapping it on any visible skin showing. As a result, we’re a gaggle of flourescent white cave people communicating in a series of clicks due to the lack of vitamin D.
A thick gold chain wraps around his neck - but as he’s a professional wrestler, he has no neck. He’s harder than a pear drop in a freezer. One night after work when he went home, he found Chuck Norris lying on the floor in his kitchen - he wasn’t dead...he was just too scared to move. If you ever need any problems dealing with - he’s your man. As part of his pre-work workout, he sticks his finger in a plug several times for kicks and solders his toes together to see if he can prize them apart unaided. He can hack into the MI6 mainframe with his left hand whilst doing pushups with his other hand.
So, back to what he does here at Heavenly Sweets - he recently changed the website from browns and blues to pinks and purples to suit his taste, and recently fired his Poodle groomer, as he preferred to do this job himself, so as to be a better dad to his pooch, Fudgy Wudgy, who sits on his desk - it’s lovely how he kisses its nose every so often between creating new websites and writing NASA level excerpts of code so that what you see is what is delivered when you say you want it. He recently came up with an ingenious invention and put a bucket under a leaking roof. That’s why he’s here folks!
Lucky Charmer Leanne
Who’s awesome? She’s Awesome! She’s so lucky that we send her out to buy lucky dips and lottery tickets. We haven’t won anything yet.
Anyway, we spotted her on Countdown doing the word crunching and dictionary scrolling, then again later that night drumming for Metallica at the O2 Theatre (go figure that!), then word on the street said she was doing the early morning shift at the soup kitchen defying the status quo and serving bacon and eggs to the homeless. What a girl right??
So we offered her a chance to work for Heavenly Sweets - the best company in the world. She said no, so we had to enslave her for a few weeks to stop her from escaping, since then she has blossomed into being one of the best deliverers of happiness in a box. She is not vegetarian, sadly, but we can’t all be perfect right?
Yes she is one of the offspring from the original Reese’s Family. Respect man, respect. Come to mention it - she has a slight orange tint to her, unsure why this could be. Does she eat too many carrots? Does she sleep in her orangery? Has she dyed her local municipal water source to produce an orange water supply out of her shower? I’d have thought she’s had a servant to do this, if this was indeed the case. Some say that she swims in her pool of liquid Reese’s chocolate in her castle in downtown Portsmouth for a good morning workout. It’s lovely to have a celebrity here, it’s her way of getting away from the limelight, or the orangelight! Weyhey!
Anyway she’s the gal who makes sure the forklift trucks are pimped up full of charge, containers are loaded, pallets are wrapped, uncouth people are frowned upon, and all hampers satisfy all the legal and statutory measurements of the HMRC government zombie forcefield department.
Some say there was a big bang, others say it happened from sweet-toothed monkeys, all we can tell you is:
Before we opened the shop we both tried joining the Army & Navy, but after Jarred tested positive for Coconut Mushrooms, and Amy classed as a Midget Gem, we left in tears and went to the nearest shop to drown our sorrows with a packet of Wine Gums, Rum Balls, and a few Pint Pots. But could we find any of these feel good makers?...er...no!
We then had a brainwave that would consume all brainwaves..."This calls for the most amazing SWEET SHOP to be opened by us!" It was fantastic, Coconut Ice fell from the heavens, our tear drops turned to Rainbow Drops and we sang and danced and did the Barley Sugar Twist till the chocolate cows came home. (that's where chocolate milk comes from by the way...)
So we put our ABC Letters on paper and set out looking for a shop in Chocolate Brazil, but realised we couldn't speak the language so we flew back to England and after climbing over many Coltsfoot Rocks, and many conversations with the words 'Oh Sugar', 'Oh Daim' and 'Oh Sherbet'... WHAM! We eventually opened the doors on May 8th 2010.
Woohoo, it was a fabulous day with many Jelly Babies and other audiences eating our sweets. We even had a couple of Turkish Delights! There was an elderly lady who came in, she seemed sweet enough so we gave her a selection of Sugar-Free sweets...over the moon she was! One chap cleaned us out of Cola Bricks to finish his extension at home. Another lady bought all our Candy Necklaces and Candy Watches and opened up a jewellery shop in town!
And then the inevitable happened...We were visited by the Health & Safety Officer...He said 'This is unacceptable, this shop is a safety hazard to the general public!' We were very surprised. 'You need to have a sign on the door saying "BEWARE OF THE JELLY BEARS"...As these H&S officers aren't generally known for their witty humour, however, we do think he was joking...
I suppose you could say that the Jelly Bears, Yellow Belly Snakes, Porky Pigs, and Crocodiles, to name a few, are a little intimidating to the unsuspecting sweet devourer, but we haven't had any incidents to date. On that opening day, some people thought we were a grocery store with our Fried Eggs, Jap Desserts, Rhubarb & Custard, Sweet Tobacco and Fish & Chips. Silly isn't it.
Well without further ado, we'll let you go and buy some sweets. Try them, give them a go, they are most pleasing to the palate. We have tasted every single sweet in the whole world and we have chosen all the best ones (someone had to do it!) We still taste different makes of sweets all the time, sometimes if we forget to bring lunch then we do a LOT of tasting!
Thanks for reading our story, it's not too far from the truth...!